"So can we declare OFTL an official success?"

Hard to believe that it's almost June. Another month has gone by, which means it's time for my monthly Operation Find The Lesbians review:

Lesbians identified for possible tackling: 2
Lesbians tackled: 1
First dates: 1
Lesbians alienated: 1
Straight women kissed: 0
Gay men kissed: 1*

Not bad, not bad at all. I definitely feel a sense of accomplishment especially after April's poor showing and March's damp squib like fizzle. Dennise asks if I'm ready to declare OFTL a success. Call me superstitious, but I don't want to count all my lesbian eggs before they hatch even though things are progressing nicely with Val.

Instead I've decided to switch gears. Operation Lesbian Retention? That sounds like a problem of a personal nature. Operation Keep The Lesbians? That has promise. Operation World Lesbian Domination? That glint of gay megalomania does appeal to my Scorpio nature. But how about Operation Stock My Harem? Even better!

While we're casting our sights nostalgically over the last six months, let me point you to the very first OFTL entry. Oh it seems like yesterday that I sadly proclaimed that one of my resolutions for 2006 was to have a girlfriend. How quaint.

Lest anyone forget about the girl I unintentionally screwed over (think of it as OFTL collateral damage or friendly fire), AC left Val a slightly cryptic voice mail over the weekend. Something about how she wishes us well and that she will be civil or something when she sees us. I think. The message was hard to understand in some parts when Val played it for me. And I should also say that AC never responded to my mea culpa email.

Can you blame her?

[ January's Update ] [ February's Update -- sort of ] [ March's Update ]
[ April's Update ]

* Mr. Bad Apologies is just so kissable even though he's A Gay. Mind you, this only seems to happen when there's lots of alcohol involved.

"Thanks again for staying last night."

Um, so I didn't go home last night. Instead I did the Walk Of Shame around 7 am this morning, taking the Q train from Val's place to mine. Luckily we only live four stops apart. I'm sure the guy selling the Daily News outside the Prospect Park station did a double take when I walked back to the subway all freshly showered and changed.

Let's rewind a bit.

On Thursday night I had Val over for a quiet dinner at my place. She brought me wine and flowers [insert girly squeal] and I made fennel and shrimp risotto. I must have impressed her because she stayed over in the mojo bed. Though I had Friday off and would have loved to have spent it in bed with Val, I got up and headed to Penn Station to catch a train to DC. Ms. Wish To See's wedding was slated for Saturday morning and I throughly enjoyed talking smut over gin and champagne with J-Wo and Mr. Bad Apologies during Friday night's pre-wedding partying in Germantown. Things were a little more lethargic on Saturday, but Ms. Wish To See should know that she apparently went clubbing with The Gays on her wedding night. Does her new husband know this?

Right, so this weekend Val and I were apart and I felt like such a tool for missing her. Well shit, this probably means that I'm on the slippery lesbian slope heading towards monogamy. We texted on Monday night and then I hopped on a Q train to her place. We hung out and then things progressed to the bedroom.

Something that I'm going to have to get used to -- sharing a bed with Val's affectionate 85 lb dog.

"Are you at all worried AC will find out very soon and get angry with you?"

I have developed the bad habit of eating meals out -- especially breakfast and lunch. Breakfast usually consists of coffee and toast from the deli by my work and most days my request for "two slices of wheat toast with butter" results in only a meagre spread of butter. But some days when I'm lucky, such as this morning, I get a welcome surprise of butter soaked toast. These mornings seem a little blessed.

I'm hoping this extra karmic butter will carry me through the day because Val told AC about her and I. Yes, the cat is out of the bag and I felt like such an asshole yesterday afternoon. So much that I google chatted with Dennise about my moral crisis and then decided that emailing AC with some sort of mea culpa or explanation was the adult thing to do. Above all I wanted to assure AC that I didn't purposely try to undermine her efforts with Val and dispel any thoughts that this was some sort of nefarious plan. So once I got home and steeled my nerves, I typed out an email that I hoped would somehow ameliorate the situation.

I have yet to hear anything back.

"I think that everyone must feel the need to couple up in the spring time."

Tuesdays must be good for something. Statistics perhaps? Oh yes.

• The last time I was in a relationship was 3.5 years ago.

• My last relationship lasted 1.5 years.

• My whatever you want to call it with Anne lasted 5 days.

• The last time I went through the whole hey you're cute let's ponder a relationship thing was in March of 2000. Clinton was still in office.

Now it's far too early to declare my thing with Val a "relationship," it occurs to me that it's been 6 years since I had to go through the complicated song and dance that comes when you're getting to know someone. SIX YEARS! Good lord, no wonder this all feels foreign and strange. But at least I can console myself with this final factoid:

• I have had sex with more people in 2006 than I had in 2003, which was when I broke up with my ex girlfriend.

Word.

"Naughty girl. I'm going to stop flirting now and take a cold shower."

What is modern dating? Modern dating is spending three hours flirting with someone via text messaging. Modern dating is getting a thumb cramp from using the number keys to spell words. Oh so modern, n'est-ce pas?

I recently declared in this blog, ". . . there's no way in hell I'm getting caught in the middle of a four way dyke drama." And for those keeping score at home, it took less than a week for my convictions to crumble in a sepia haze of jack & cokes, beer, and amaretto. I don't recommend drunken sex, but it did the trick.

Having spent the rest of Saturday afternoon ex-haust-ed from the shenanigans, I somehow managed to find the energy to go out for karaoke with Lesbian Club members. Things got surreal when AC, a rival suitor, showed up at the bar and confided how she was trying to screw up the courage to kiss Val.* So when Val arrived by midnight, AC aggressively kicked up her flirting. All I could think was, She was naked in my bed less than 24 hours ago. She likes me better, so nyer!

Before this begins to paint Val in a bad light, she later did the right thing and sat AC down, telling her that she only wants to be friends. Holly and I were drinking beers a couple yards away and from the corner of my eye I could tell that AC was not amused.

So that was my weekend. Honestly I expected more response, dear readers. Perhaps a collective gasp or a virtual slap on the back or even a harrumph of disapproval. The best I got was a, "Rock on with your bad self!" email from Signe. And though it's probably far too early to don a flight suit and declare "Mission Accomplished!" in the five month OFTL campaign, a crucial victory has been achieved.

Hooray for tackling!

* From now on, VM will be known as Val.

"Shut up. I like you better."

Um . . . so Val stayed over in my bed last night.

We didn't sleep much.

What? You want more information than that? Well, I got out of work early on Friday and met Val for a couple of beers at 2A. We were supposed to meet Lesbian Club people back in Brooklyn at 7 pm, so after our beers we went to 'inoteca in the Lower East Side for dinner. There was much yummy food and wine before meeting up with WP at Bar Sepia in Prospect Heights.

To make a long story short, Val and I got rather drunk and then headed back to my apartment for some food since it was after 2 am and places were closed. We ate an omelette and ended up sitting on my couch and talking till almost 5 am, probably prolonging the inevitable.

At one point she began to play with my hair and we got closer on the couch. I forget how things transitioned, but I think I said something like, "So I invited you back to my place."

She giggled. "I came, didn't I?"

"So?"

"Can I kiss you now?"

Later, after events had progressed to my bed, I joked, "And to think that yesterday you were on a date with AD."

"Shut up. I like you better."

"I feel like you two would be the awesomest reigning couple of Lesbiandom ever."

My life is pretty fucking rad right now. And this is why.

For all my hand wringing over Operation Find The Lesbians, my hard work is starting to germinate. No, I don't mean that I have a girlfriend or that things with Val have taken a turn towards something (more on that later), but rather all those peripheral things that accompany OFTL are coalescing.

Mainly, I have Lesbian friends! And we are, like, planning things. Trips to Fire Island, 4th of July roof parties, and other totally rad things that friends do. This is really the whole point of Lesbian Club, even though I might joke that it's a way for me to get laid.

On Monday, Maire and I went to go see Goldfrapp at Irving Plaza. Despite the ill advised amount of gin consumed on my part, I had a fantastic time seeing (double) Alison Goldfrapp go diva in front of a wind machine. It's only because of Lesbian Club that I made a friend in Marie, whose own musical taste tends to overlap with my obscure/snobbish/indie preferences. Maire is definitely a keeper.

Part II of my Totally Rad Life was hanging out with three of my Lesbian Club members for pub quiz at the Cattyshack last night. Though we tied in overtime with another trivia team, there's nothing like bonding with your fellow team members over drinks and obscure knowledge.

So I spoke in my last entry of the swirling possibilities surrounding Val and I. Funny how I didn't think I was interested until I acknowledged to myself that she was flirting with me. Now I think I'm interested . . . and I'm flirting back. Remember when I said there were two other people who are also interested? This could get messy.

"Goodnight, Prince Charming."

One of the responsibilities that comes with being a Grand Poobah of Gayness is that I have to provide emotional support for my minions group members. As I mentioned in an earlier entry, there is some cross hooking up going on and I've been put in the situation where I have one of my members, Val, confiding in me about her dates with AC. Unbeknownst to her, AC is also confiding in me. Trouble is that AC really likes Val, but the feeling isn't exactly mutual and I've got to keep my mouth shut. I do my best to provide support and encouragement and to get both parties to work out their feelings like the good mediator that I am. Should I also mention that one of my other members is really interested in Val? Think things couldn't get any more complicated?

Wait for it . . .

Val and I have developed a sort of pre-relationship. I think. I'm not sure if I want anything to happen, but Val keeps saying things that hint rather obviously that she's interested -- hints that I got after spending a lot of the weekend with her. And it's not just her throwing hints, but I think the universe might be weighing in too.

• There have been some odd coincidences. We both used to get our hair cut by the same guy at Axis Salon in freakin' DC. I looked at an apartment in her building in Crown Heights when she was living there. There are freakier coincidences that I'll edit in later.

• When I said, "What on earth do all these coincidences mean?!" She responded, "It means that we're supposed to be together."

• Val and I ended up dancing rather closely till 2 am Friday/Saturday. And when I saw Val at Holly's birthday party Saturday night, she complimented me on my dancing and said that she always believed that people who could dance were also good fucks.

• AC can't stop going on about my mojo bed, which Val hasn't had the pleasure to see. Val quipped saucily that I would have to invite her over to see it.

• After brunch yesterday, Val and I went for a walk in Prospect Park for a couple hours. At one point, after I asked about what was going on with her and AC, she talked of chemistry and her hesitation of pursuing a relationship. "This doesn't mean I'm coming onto you, but you and I have a lot of chemistry."

I should note that there's no way in hell I'm getting caught in the middle of a four way dyke drama. But as I got out of Val's car on Sunday after our time in the park, my shoe accidentally came off.

"Sorry," I said, reaching to retrieve it from the car. "I seem to have pulled a Cinderella."

She laughed. "It's a sign!"

"Goodnight, Prince Charming," I said with a smile and closed her car door.

"How do we feel about 'friends with benefits'?"

It's rough not having a computer at home as it prevents from blogging, hence the lack of updates. Work has been super busy and when I'm home, I keep forgetting that my computer is at the doctors. Can't tell you how many times I've headed into my office -- oh yes, I have an office -- only stop at the door when I realize my glorious iMac is gone. At least I can comfort myself that my computer is in the skilled hands of Jeff, the mac fixit guy conveniently located in Park Slope.

I've been preparing myself for a huge financial hit in regards to computer breakage, especially when Jeff hinted at that the problem might be the logic board. Did I mention this thing is six months past warranty?? So I was floored when Jeff told me yesterday that my computer qualifies for an extended warranty. Huh? Apple will pick up the huge cost of replacing the logic board and power supply! Hooray! Supposedly my computer will be returned to me free of charge sometime on Wednesday.

[ switches gears ]

I've been meaning to comment on J-Wo's recent foray into Friends With Benefits (FWB) because I've been thinking a lot about whether women, both straight and gay, can enter into a no strings attached sexual relationship without getting emotionally involved. I'd like to think that with all my modern and liberal views on sexuality that we can. Or can we?

I posed the question to Lesbian Club last week and I was surprised that nearly everyone asked was strongly opposed to a FWB relationship. Okay, I agree to some degree -- casual sex is one thing, but obviously one opens a can of worms when one gets sexually involved with someone known longer than the time it takes to drink a couple of gin and tonics. But what of people that hardly know each other? Maybe FWBs only work when you have nothing to lose if the relationship goes weird?

I thought of my very brief relationship with Anne, which was a sexual relationship that started and ended on the second date. I very much wanted to explore that avenue
. . . even in a FWB capacity, but Anne was not persuaded, telling me that, "If this was two years ago, I would totally have fun with you." WTF? Anyway, I felt modern and forward thinking for being so sex positive . . . and then I realized that ooops! I had feelings that I probably wouldn't have had if I hadn't slept with her.

Maybe it's just me and that I fall easily for someone, but I urge J-Wo to proceed with caution . . . and to email me all the dirty details 'cause I want to know that someone is having a more exciting sex life than I.

"Your bed is giving me ideas."

Um, so my home computer died. It's an iMac G5 and it's only a year and a half old
. . . and six months past warranty. Me no happy. Logistics are a nightmare. Imagine me trying to get a 30 lb computer to Soho when I live in Brooklyn. Ugh.

In happier news, I threw a VERY successful post Cinco de Mayo lesbian house party on Saturday night. A dozen people, including myself, crammed into my apartment and proceeded to have the type of party I always aspired to have whilst living in DC. And because I'm the Grand Poobah of Gayness, my party led to some some interesting events/observations:

- I apparently own a "mojo bed."
- At one point there were THREE Lesbians in my "mojo bed."
- One Lesbian straddled me and gave me a back massage in my "mojo bed."
- The "Tequila Fairy" showed up around midnight.
- I drunkenly made a spinach and brie omelette at 1 am to impress a hot girl with my skilz.
- I was pronounced "totally lickable" by one guest.

Now dear readers, why am I still single? The mojo bed is primed and ready for action.

"Holidays that revolve around tequila rarely end well..."

It's 75 degrees in New York and I am wearing a new skirt. Meanwhile I hope my coworkers don't notice that I'm wearing the same shirt that I wore on Tuesday. Ooops.

I haven't blogged much about Holly post OFTL and some people have seemed surprised that I am still friends with her after the bombshell she laid on me once upon a time. Don't worry, I've moved on. OFTL distracted me and so did my very brief shenanigans with Anne. However I do bring Holly along to Lesbian Club meetings in hopes that one day she'll realize that she is a dyke (ahem, because she is). Also, I'm reminded that this time last year was when I screwed up enough drunken courage to ask Holly what we were doing. Ah . . . such fond memories.

Anyway, Holly and I are supposed to meet my roommate and her fiance for drinks after work and enjoy the lingering pre-summer weather. Happy Cinco de Mayo everyone.

"I just want a lover like any other. What do I get?"

Oh no! It's happened! Everyone is hooking up in Lesbian Club except for me. Found out last night that VM went on a couple dates with AD. AD also went on a couple dates with B. Meanwhile VM also went on a couple dates with AC. VM is not sure if she likes AC and isn't used to dating, but thinks BZ is really hot. Still with me? I'll draw a chart sometime.

Though I do take some pleasure in being the facilitator of people's social and dating lives, I WANT IN ON THE ACTION. Hmpf. Take this exchange from last night's Lesbian Club:

VM: "I'll play matchmaker! What's your type?"

Me: For some reason I'm really embarrassed to answer this question. "Well after doing my thing with Anne, I realized that perhaps I don't have a type anymore. Normally I don't go for butch girls."

Marie: "Yeah, she was pretty butch."

Me: "Definitely someone who's funny and smart and confident."

Marie: "Time for you to find someone. Is there anyone in Lesbian Club you have your eye on?"

Me: "Well there's plenty of people I wouldn't mind making out with."

Truth be told there's one girl, BC, who's pretty hot and my type. BC happens to be the sister of my Bushwick bartender and while BC is hot, she just broke up with E. Oy vey. My life has become a not so interesting episode of the L Word. Just wait for me to draw my own chart.

"You can't hurry love."

One of the greatest life lessons I could stand to learn is patience -- something that I'm always short on. Another lesson I could stand to learn is that everything is a process. So there's patience and an appreciation that some things need time to germinate and grow. Though I know this intellectually, I still careen around from offensive to offensive looking for big results in the shortest amount of time. And when things don't happen instantaneously, my almost pathological optimism threatens to retreat.

Operation Find The Lesbians has reminded me of these two lessons. And now that April has closed, it's time to look back on this past month's progress -- however infinitesimal.

Lesbians identified for possible tackling: 1
Lesbians tackled: 0
First dates: 0
Lesbians who just want to be friends: All of them
Men that hit on me: 3
Straight women kissed: 1
Gay men kissed: 1

The Lesbian pond, which in January seemed impossibly vast, has shown its borders to be a bit closer. A few examples.

- My new friend and band buddy, Marie, is friends with M who once dated C who is the original founder of Lesbian Club.

- Marie met her girlfriend D through a girl I once went on a first date with back in January.

- Marie recently dated J, who was once the girlfriend of W, a Lesbian Club member.

- I slept with Anne who once dated a woman I went to Hollins with. I sort of knew Anne's ex because the Lesbian pond at a small all women's university in Virginia is even smaller than the pond in Brooklyn.

See? It's just like Alice's chart from the L Word.

[ January's Update ] [ February's Update -- sort of ] [ March's Update ]