Monday, July 31, 2006

"I hope you two trivial pursuitin' souls find love!!!"

Lying in bed on Sunday morning, tucked under the duvet, and still hungover from the date I had the previous night, I suddenly had the urge to check the w4w section of Craigslist. Why I had this urge is beyond me -- especially since the board is notoriously raunchy and inhabited by men posing as women -- but I traveled the short distance to my computer and clicked to the website. The first listing in the w4w section was a response to my ad and asking me to repost as the original posting had expired.

Holy crap. How's that for eerie timing. I went ahead and reposted the ad so my anonymous suitor could have a second chance to respond. And since reposting the ad, I've gotten nine responses in 24 hours, all of which are of good quality. Most were in the area, but one poster lives in Newark, another lives on Long Island, and another in Amsterdam. It's going to take some time to respond to everyone.

Phase IV OFTL (aka OFAG) marches on and yes I had a date on Saturday. We met late in the evening for red wine and chocolate at Cocoa Bar and had such a good time that when I looked at my watch I was surprised to see that it was already midnight. Since I still wanted another drink, I suggested we go to The Gate for a beer. She had chocolate stout and I had an IPA and we chatted till after 3 am. Success? Possibly . . .

Meanwhile I have a lot of CL responses to sift through.

Thursday, July 27, 2006

"I'll call you when your dad is out of surgery."

Speaking of stars out of alignment, my poor dad tripped and fell at work and blew out the ligaments in both his knees. He is currently walking with the aid of a walker (!) and should be in surgery today followed by 4-6 weeks of BOTH legs in a cast, which means that not only will he have a lot of down time, but he will have to get around with the aid of a wheelchair for 4-8 MONTHS.

Methinks I should take a break from OFAG to take the Jewish Bus down to Maryland and keep him company for a couple of days. I could cook and bring him lots of exciting non-fiction books to read. I suppose when my parents moved to the retirement community for "active adults" a couple of years ago, they didn't think they'd be getting a wheelchair so soon.

Speaking of OFAG, I've gotten a couple of late in the game responses to my CL ad, not to mention the mysteriously intriguing response by one of my anonymous readers buried in the comments section. (Ahem, I'm waiting for a response CL ad -- no pressure, right?). I guess I'm surprised I got any responses since the few friends I showed it to said that it was too intellectual for CL. One of my respondents said that it was a tad bit intimidating. You mean a manifesto isn't supposed to be intimidating?

"Gourmand, intellectual, dirty-talker ISO wit and bedroom eyes."

Here it is, blazoned for all eternity: my dating manifesto à la Craigslist (now that the posting has expired):

** gourmand, intellectual, dirty-talker ISO wit and bedroom eyes **

Got your attention?

Maybe . . . just maybe . . . some quality women lurk on the w4w section of Craigslist. I mean they must since a couple of friends of mine have found love through this section. Consider this my stab at it or a social science experiment. Beats working on the project that I should be doing now . . .

About me: I am I'm a 27-year-old Brooklyn based art nerd and a graphic designer. My idea of a good time this summer has been checking out free concerts (Siren Festival, Celebrate Brooklyn), lounging on my friend's rooftop in Park Slope, checking out burlesque shows, and hanging out with a Belgian beer in the garden of a local bar. Life's too short to be miserable, so I'm all about having fun and trying out everything the city has to offer. I'm also a gourmand, have a running list of restaurants I want to try, and fancy myself a good cook. I make a killer cocktail, have a great smile, and can wink in that way that says, "You. Bedroom. Now." I love to travel -- went to London in March for the fifth time, going to Seattle and Provincetown in August, and Amsterdam in October. I LOVE LOVE music -- from classical to rock. Lately I've been into the Indie scene.

I'm also rather femme, and despite being a lesbian, I actually like shopping and wearing skirts. I have chin length brown hair, a nose stud, and those artsy black frame glasses.

Haven't scared you away yet?

I'm looking for my partner in crime, someone to go on high adventures with -- both in town and out of town. I'm always on the go it seems -- off to follow something that has grabbed my attention. I'm looking for anyone who can woo me with wit, intelligence, confidence, social skills, and dirty talk. Oh yes, intelligence is majorly important. I'm looking for an equal and though we can both bring different strengths, I don't want a blank stare when I mention current events. I tend to be attracted to those who are opinionated. If you're smart AND funny AND open minded AND can cook me dinner AND can wink back when I make my special wink, then I'll probably just melt into a puddle. Another turn on is when I'm close to a woman and can smell whatever shampoo they've used. Strange, I know.

You should be relatively down to earth and drama free. Probably a lot to ask about the drama since the word pairs so well with "lesbian," but worth a shot. You should not be flaky as that is one of my biggest pet peeves. I'm rather mature for my age, so please be too if you're the younger side of things. Age range should be mid-twenties to around 39 at the oldest, though I would prefer someone who is my peer. I'm not necessarily against dating older, but want someone in the same life area that I am. You should live in the NYC area. The idea of a long term relationship cannot scare you.

Brownie points if you can: out geek me in Trivial Pursuit, have an English accent, know who Eddie Izzard is, know who Josh Rouse is, live in the Park Slope area, prefer gin to vodka, can dance, like broccoli, and have a membership to any of the museums in town.

Guaranteed ways to get your email deleted: use of all caps, are a man, a couple, a fundamentalist, have children (sorry!), don't eat vegetables, and in no way fits the preferences listed above. This is not an NSA ad, so don't write looking for a hook up.

Your photo and well crafted email gets you my photo and well crafted response.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

"You could have saved yourself a lot of money by investing in some duct tape."

This lack of glasses is becoming one goddamn bitch of an unsatisfactory situation (to quote Brokeback Mountain). I've spent all day trying to defy the laws of gravity with the remnants perched on my nose, but naturally they keep wanting to fall down. If my job weren't so heavily reliant on me having to read editorial changes and enter them into layout, I would have given up long ago.

And to think I woke up in such a good mood! Laying in my bed this morning and willing myself to get up and shower, I felt as though everything was possible. New job! New girlfriend! World domination! Yes! Yes! Yes! I am a woman of action!

Or at least I will be once I get my new glasses.

Monday, July 24, 2006

"You don't have insurance?"

The stars are not aligned in my favor.

Remember the nose ring? Well on Thursday I managed to rip (pull?) it out accidentally as I was removing my glasses. To add insult to injury, as I was trying to wash the blood off in the sink, the gold stud went down the drain. Argh! And then in a comedy mishap a couple days later, my friend accidentally stepped on my glasses. It was really my fault as I stupidly put them on the ground.

Don't ask.

Four hundred dollars later and pity discount from Lens Crafters, I have new glasses. Or at least will in five business days because my perscription is outside what they normally carry in-store. Did I mention that I don't have eye insurance. Double argh! Currently I'm writing this entry with the old glasses balanced precariously on my nose like a pince-nez.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

"Your ad is completely charming."

I ended up writing that Craigslist ad, spending nearly an hour and a half crafting something that would convey to a (hopefully) hot single Lesbian who I was and what I was looking for. Perhaps I was too specific because I have only gotten two responses in 24 hours: one was from a 37 year old woman and the other was someone who described themselves as "thick" and seemed to have not read my ad at all. I guess I'm not surprised. The love of my life is not lurking on the w4w board? Shocking.

In other news I need to do laundry. Seriously. It's mission critical, code red, blaring sirens bad. I think I'm down to two or three pairs* of underwear. I'm amazed I can still find something to dress myself with in the morning. I was supposed to do it after work on Monday, but it was 10,000 degrees outside. Then I was going to do it after work on Tuesday, but it was 9,999 degrees and it was supposed to storm. Then I was going to do it last night. "I must do laundry tonight. I must do laundry tonight," I told myself as I walked home from work. As I put the key in the door, my conviction faltered and the internal negotiations began.

If I don't do laundry tonight, I can always buy new underwear as a stop gap. I still have some cleanish clothes I think. But wait, I can't do laundry on Thursday or Friday or Saturday. What about Sunday? I don't have anything planned, do I?

As soon as I get in the door, Wendy calls.

"Hey Rouge, you wanna come get a drink? We're thinking of going to that Belgian place you like."

"I'll be there in 20 minutes."

* Side note: Why do we say "pairs of underwear" when it's only one item? Pairs of socks? Yeah, two socks make a pair. Pairs of underwear? Maybe if it was two separate pieces of fabric for the ass cheeks. But who wants underwear that needs to be assembled?

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

"I think there should be a formal punishment for her flakiness."

Okay, we're moving on. I declared a few blog entries ago that I was taking a break from dating and over the last week my conviction has wavered between two extremes:

• Give up love, romance, and ever getting laid again. Start adopting cats to make up for the fact that only an animal could love my withered heart.

• Return to OFTL with a vengeance. Do not rest until every last Lesbian in all five boroughs are found, tackled, dragged back to my place, and assessed for relationship compatibility.

Of course I chose the middle ground and inquired about adopting a homeless orange stripy kitten that one of my Lesbian Club members found. And then I decided that I need a new strategy.

While hosting brunch at my place Sunday afternoon for my new Lesbian friends, we asked each other to detail our types. You know . . . butch, femme, outgoing, tall, etc. When it came my turn, I realized that I had a very clear view of who I wanted to be dating. Someone smart, an equal, open minded, confident, someone who I can trade wit, someone who has the same aesthetic principles, and can be my partner in crime. Butch or femme doesn't matter -- though I tend to lean towards femme -- so long as there's something sexy to keep me interested.

So why haven't I been dating that?? If I know exactly what I want, why am I not going out there and getting it? Why am I sampling the Lesbian Buffet and picking all the flakes?

Now begins Phase IV of OFTL and it's now Operation Find A Girlfriend. I've been trying to convince myself that I only want to date around, but since I managed to come on too strong with Val and send her running, I need reconcile the fact that my subconscious thinks I am ready for a real relationship.

Hmmmm. Scary.

How am I going to achieve OFAG? (snicker, snicker, OFAG) I will start with a Craigslist ad for scientific research purposes.

Monday, July 17, 2006

"I just wanted to get your side of the story."

The phone rang at quarter to midnight. I had probably been asleep for about 20 minutes and the electronic ring seemed particularly shrill over the rattle of the AC and the comfort of my bed. Slightly annoyed for having been woken up, I located the phone in the dark. It was Nadia, one of my Lesbian Club members that I was out with earlier in the evening for drinks in the West Village with other LC members. It had been a month since I had last seen Nadia -- incidentally the last time I had seen Val.

I forget how the conversation started; I was still waking up. She got my attention when she moved to the subject of Val.

"I just wanted to call find out what happened between you and Val. I knew you two weren't seeing each other anymore and I didn't want to say anything earlier in front of everyone else."

Part of me was annoyed at having to rehash the stupid details of our breakup, but I explained anyway. "No, it's okay. You could have said something in front of everybody. They know everything."

"I just wanted to get your side of the story."

My side of the story? "Well the last time I saw her was the last time I saw you. And then she just blew me off. Stopped calling and emailing. It took a couple of weeks and a pointed email from me before I heard anything from her."

"She said you and her decided that it wasn't going to work out and to just be friends."

A rather neutral explanation on Val's part, but I reiterated the fact that I was blown off. "Does this mean you hear from her?" I ask.

"Yeah she texts me about doing stuff together."

Part of me is really annoyed now. I don't so much mind the end of our relationship, but I do mind that I lost a friendship. I do mind that I misjudged Val's character and that she turned out to be a flake. Nadia and I go around in circles for a while about the minutiae of the breakup and I'm thinking mostly about going back to sleep. Suddenly she says, "There are some things you don't know about."

"What things?" Looks like I'm awake now.

"Remember that night at Henrietta Hudson?"


"Val was talking to some girl and the girl asked if there was anyone in the bar that Val thought was hot. Val turned and pointed at my girlfriend. The random girl later went up to my girlfriend and told her that Val thought she was hot. When I found out about that, I was pissed."

Wow. So of all the people in the bar, Val doesn't point to the woman she's sleeping with. She points to the girlfriend of my friend. Thanks, Val. I wish I had dumped you sooner.

Friday, July 14, 2006

"Your public wants photos!"

Okay, Beth. Here's a photo of the new nose ring. I'm really glad I got it, but wish I got it lower on my nose so it looks less like a metallic zit.

In other news, I had a startling thought on the train this morning. I think I am . . . going to take a break from dating. Feeling kind of meh about it and would rather focus on cultivating my Lesbian Club instead and perhaps work on reducing my buddha belly (not to be confused with the Ass Crisis).

Does this mean I'm in the summer doldrums??

Thursday, July 13, 2006

"You know you're clapping for Jesus? And we're Jewish, so that was a little awkward."

On a cold Saturday back in December of 2004 and only a couple of weeks after I moved to New York, Beth and Nils came to visit me in Bushwick. I was so happy to have familiar faces around me as I was still getting over the shock of moving. We decided that night we'd have "Brooklyn Fun" as opposed to Manhattan Fun I guess and we went to Williamsburg to hit a few spots that Neils wanted to visit.

This story is only interesting because we proceeded to have one of those "only in New York" moments. While wandering around North 6th street looking for Galapagos, we stumbled into a music club called, well, North 6th. Inside was the strangest band I have EVER seen (probably a little stranger than the Moldy Peaches) and they were dressed up in nurses costumes and surrounded by grade school-esque set decorations. They sang a song that went, "Dragon ate the love, dragon ate the love sweet love."


We stayed for a few songs, mystified by what we were watching, and then left to find Galapagos only to stumble on a Vaudeville act there. Anyway, a year and a half later I finally figured out that the band I saw was Danielson and apparently they have a movie coming out.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

"That didn't really hurt at all!"

I got a nose ring. Or rather a gold stud with a crystal. One could say it was a spontaneous Sunday activity, but I have been mentioning to people during the last few months that I wanted one. Holly was good enough to come into the piercing room for emotional support.

When it came time to make the piercing, the man doing it told me to breathe in. I was close enough to see that he was missing a few bottom teeth. My lungs filled sharply and in went the needle.

I turned to Holly. "That didn't really hurt at all!"

Apparently I had a large needle impaled through my left nostril as I said this.

Sunday, July 09, 2006

"I took off my glasses and pretended I was somebody else."

I always thought that if I ran into Anne I would be an adult and say hello, ask her how she's doing. After all, it seemed only inevitable that I would run into her on the streets of Park Slope. The conversation would probably be brief and awkward, but I would know that I could give myself a pat on the back for handling the situation well.

As I stood on the corner of 9th Street and 8th Avenue with two of my lesbian club members and waiting to cross at the light, I noticed something familiar about the woman across with her bike and hair pulled back. She wasn't looking towards me, but instead was with another girl. In the second it took me to realize that it was Anne, she stooped to kiss the woman she was with.

I wanted to run. I wanted to be anywhere but the corner of 9th Street and 8th Avenue. I was paralyzed with shock even as my friends began to cross the street towards her. WHAT THE FUCK WAS I GOING TO DO?!

I took off my glasses and pretended I was someone else. I let my hair fall into my face. I kept my head turned down 8th Avenue like I was checking to see if there was any traffic coming. I kept myself close to my two friends. I prayed that she wouldn't recognize me so quickly as my hair was considerably longer when we last saw each other three months ago.

I don't know if she even saw me. I kept walking. I know it was her because I heard her voice as I was walking by. Shit. Shit. Shit. Running into people you've slept with is AWKWARD, especially when you see them kissing someone else.

Friday, July 07, 2006

"I have realized that I can't be in a relationship right now. I am really sorry if I led you on in any way."

June has come and gone and so it's time for a OFTL style recap.

Lesbians identified for possible tackling: 1
Lesbians tackled: 1
Lesbians dumped: 1
Sex toys purchased: 1
Lesbians alienated: 1
Straight women kissed: 0
Gay men kissed: 0
Lesbians kissed: 2

Ah May, how I miss you. Everything seemed so pregnant with possibility and enough flirting to make this lesbian feel like she was the most popular gay in Brooklyn. June in turn had so much promise, but then Val flaked out big time and I suddenly found myself at a sex toys singles party with all the cute girls ignoring me. What's a girl to do? Buy a $70 piece of high grade silicone apparently.

If I've learned anything from June it's that too much wine, pot, and a precarious rooftop do not make for a good combination. I've also learned that given the choice of dealing with a difficult situation or running away, most people will run away. And finally I've learned that the type of girlfriend I'm really looking for is one who will keep me interested with equal parts dirty talk and witty intellectual conversation.

My recent bonus has allowed me to shop away my irritation. I bought an AC unit for my apartment (praise god!) and then dropped $80 at Sephora on assorted girlie stuff. Best purchase there was the eye shadow primer by Benefit. Looking good for the femme loving lesbians takes work, you know.

[ January's Update ] [ February's Update -- sort of ] [ March's Update ]
[ April's Update ] [ May's Update ]

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

"I appreciate you trying to do this but lesbians aren't really into this kinda group thing."

I need a new focus.

I could either continue with "OFTL: The Poobah Strikes Back" or I could focus on . . .

• Getting a new job
• Developing a couple of book ideas
• Developing my freelance business
• Developing better spending and saving habits

Or since it's summer, I could just enjoy the company of my minions and work on further stocking my harem with hot single women. Yes, I think that idea might have promise.

Since disovering that Val was a big poo, I've felt directionless. Dating has also lost its appeal and I feel more inclined to make use of my recent purchase from Babeland. Launching a new OFTL offensive could be a good way to spend the summer, but the thought of all that effort makes me want to take a nap.

Probably the reason I'm tired is because I spent every day of this long holiday weekend engaged in some sort of booze/pot filled adventure. Ooops! Highlights include burlesque at Galapagos, Nacho Libre for Drunken Movie, taking care of Holly as she vomited in the movie theater bathroom, and watching 4th of July fireworks from the "roof roof" of a Park Slope apartment. At the end of the fireworks and between tequila toasts to Brooklyn and Lesbian Club, my minions chanted, "Grand Poobah!!"

Aw, my Lesbian Club loves me!