Friday, May 12, 2006

"How do we feel about 'friends with benefits'?"

It's rough not having a computer at home as it prevents from blogging, hence the lack of updates. Work has been super busy and when I'm home, I keep forgetting that my computer is at the doctors. Can't tell you how many times I've headed into my office -- oh yes, I have an office -- only stop at the door when I realize my glorious iMac is gone. At least I can comfort myself that my computer is in the skilled hands of Jeff,
the mac fixit guy conveniently located in Park Slope.

I've been preparing myself for a huge financial hit in regards to computer breakage, especially when Jeff hinted at that the problem might be the logic board. Did I mention this thing is six months past warranty?? So I was floored when Jeff told me yesterday that my computer qualifies for an extended warranty. Huh? Apple will pick up the huge cost of replacing the logic board and power supply! Hooray! Supposedly my computer will be returned to me free of charge sometime on Wednesday.

[ switches gears ]

I've been meaning to comment on J-Wo's recent foray into Friends With Benefits (FWB) because I've been thinking a lot about whether women, both straight and gay, can enter into a no strings attached sexual relationship without getting emotionally involved. I'd like to think that with all my modern and liberal views on sexuality that we can. Or can we?

I posed the question to Lesbian Club last week and I was surprised that nearly everyone asked was strongly opposed to a FWB relationship. Okay, I agree to some degree -- casual sex is one thing, but obviously one opens a can of worms when one gets sexually involved with someone known longer than the time it takes to drink a couple of gin and tonics. But what of people that hardly know each other? Maybe FWBs only work when you have nothing to lose if the relationship goes weird?

I thought of my very brief relationship with Anne, which was a sexual relationship that started and ended on the second date. I very much wanted to explore that avenue
. . . even in a FWB capacity, but Anne was not persuaded, telling me that, "If this was two years ago, I would totally have fun with you." WTF? Anyway, I felt modern and forward thinking for being so sex positive . . . and then I realized that ooops! I had feelings that I probably wouldn't have had if I hadn't slept with her.

Maybe it's just me and that I fall easily for someone, but I urge J-Wo to proceed with caution . . . and to email me all the dirty details 'cause I want to know that someone is having a more exciting sex life than I.


J-Wo said...

Since I can't discuss this any more on my own blog, I thought I might give a quick run-down here in the comments section. After all, Post No Bills is my favorite sex positive blog!!

So here goes...My first foray into this round of FWB (others have been VERY successful and VERY heartbreaking--so it's hard to know how this one will end) was full of mind-blowing sex.

That's right: MIND-BLOWING SEX.

(And here is where it gets a little too graphic for my own blog, given my recent familial issues...)

He did things to me that I had only heard rumors about. Being with an older guy definitely has its perks, let me tell you. I think the key was that when I was totally tense and nervous (I mean, I was going to have sex with a guy who I had never really kissed before), he was so totally cool about it that I ended up relaxing and going with the flow. Which is how I ended up on his bed totally naked playing strip poker (I won, but not by much), and then proceeded to do what I'm sure would make a best-selling porn video.

That was Sunday. Since then, we've had a good phone conversation and have made tentative plans for meeting up next week.

How will it all work? Well, since we've gone out a couple times, I feel like I *might* develop feelings for him. On the other hand, I'm not pining away (and in fact have a date with someone else set up for Sunday). I think the next few weeks will determine the success of this FWB arrangement--if we can meet up about once a week for additional mind-blowing sex, then I'll be happy. If he blows me off, then I will be sad. Rather simple, I think.

Also, we've developed these rules. Feedback is welcome:

While the FWB arrangement is in effect:

1. Neither party will have sex with anyone else.

2. Daily phone calls "just to check in" are discouraged.

3. This relationship should be equal parts "friends" and "benefits"--this will not just be about sex, but we will instead go on occasional dates in public like a normal couple.

4. Booty calls, while not required, are encouraged.

5. All "benefits" must take place at his house (since I live with my parents, one of whom believes this FWB arrangement is sending me straight to hell).

6. Open and curious exploration is encouraged, and we agree to be open-minded about each others desires and hang-ups.

So, really this might be closer to a "casual dating relationship" than strictly friends with benefits. We'll see how it goes.

In the meantime, please allow me some time to relive last Sunday's indiscretions.

EnnuiHerself said...

Wow, I'm really glad I came back to read the comments!


Mr. Bad Apologies said...

Hmmm... Lots and LOTS of thoughts are churning in my head on this one. I have had three FWB relationships, of one sort or another, in my life. That is, repeat sexual relationships. First there was Roberto, in law school. Roberto was a sweet guy, and we got along well. He'd come by my room between classes (he lived in Queens), and we'd occasionally fool around.

I think that Roberto might have wanted more, but I was not interested. That said, he seemed to be able to establish boundaries. For men, sometimes I think it really is about the sex. I do know that as it tapered off, four years later, we are still friends. Not good friends, but there was never any awkwardness and I embrace where he is in his life with no regrets (other than wishing I was more adventuresome then, when I was still new to exploring my body and the bodies of other men).

Second came Buffalo, who was most of 2005. Buffalo was definitely a rebound from Lamar, which was just ending. Buffalo was also beautiful, and hot, and standoffish. Looking back, I had such a stereotypical attraction to him. I also liked Buffalo. I wanted to date him. I thought by being intimate with him, it might go that way. It got close here and there, but never happened. And the longer it didn't happen, the more I found distaste for him as a potential mate. But the animal attraction remained. To this day if he called (I deleted all record of his contact information months ago) I would be over there in a heart beat. But I've also never shed a tear for him. It was more tenuous, and it taught me that FWB are often unequal relationships with someone always at a disadvantage. That said, I wasn't much up for doing things as friends without the benefits after, so what does that say about me?

Buffalo leads into Trunk, who appeared just in time to rebound from Buffalo. Trunk and I began dating, and I think he was interested. I could tell early on that as great as he was, it wasn't a fit for me. But again, physically, I'm still very attracted to him. After a week or two of not dating, he inquired about occasional benefits. That's where we have been ever since. Trouble is I see him tilting towards a relationship. Again, I feel at the advantage here. The situation works great for me--I will not develop feelings for him because I already know from the start that I won't. But I have to be careful that I'm not using his feelings for me.

Which leads me to my final analysis. Maybe these are FWBs. Maybe those aren't possible. Maybe these are just FBs. Yup, Fuck Buddies. When the sex stops, the friendship will probably stop too. Otherwise, if you liked them as a friend and wanted physical, its a relationship, right?

So no, I couldn't start sleeping with a friend, and just let it be like that. I'd probably want more. But can I meet someone, be attracted and get along with them but know there is no spark and be willing to have an occasional (or frequent) booty call?

Apparently so.

Anonymous said...

what do you do when your FWB FB has a long distance girlfriend?
can anyone help me with this one? I'm crishing on her...i'm screwed right?

Anonymous said...

oops, i meant 'crushing' on her