Monday, April 23, 2007

"Life Is Too Short So Be Direct And Just Flippin' Talk About It Already!"

Dear Self,

Stop settling for mediocrity.



Seriously people, I had a plan -- albeit an impromptu one. I had devised a cunning, non-pussy, actionny offensive. I thought, Let's put all this business to rest and see how Fake Girlfriend really feels. I'll have her over for dinner, drink some wine, loosen her up, and then test the waters.

Armed with food picked up from the farmer's market in Union Square -- incidentally where I saw Uma Thurman shopping -- I called FG and invited her over for dinner on Friday (I've been told that I'm a really good cook). She seemed excited by the prospect, but said she'd call back and let me know for sure. Not exactly a yes, I went to Trader Joe's to get wine and Whole Foods to pick up stuff that I couldn't get at the farmer's market. Then I lugged it all back to Brooklyn.

Unbeknownst to her, this was FG's final shot. I said to myself that if it was meant to be, she'd say she was coming over. If she turned me down, that was it -- I would be moving on. It's not like I didn't try and find out what was going on with us before. Like a flip of a coin, I rode a speeding 5 train waiting her her response. It came via text:

"I would love to but can we do tomorrow? Not feeling festive today."

Disappointed, I knew what this meant. That I needed to stop getting into these retarded situations and move on to something, well, less fake. And this sentiment was sealed on Saturday when FG got very drunk during a picnic with friends and got all up in the grill of another friend of mine.


I know some of you are probably thinking, Well you didn't actually have the talk with her, you pussy! And I say you can't fault a girl for trying. Yes, she's probably interested in me, but so was the guy from the carwash and it didn't mean that I should be dating him.

Or fake dating for that matter.


adrianna said...

I have become addicted to your blog. It's Ms. Snarker's fault. :)

I completely understand how your weekend went down.. once you reach a certain point with someone. eh what's the point. right?? This FG of yours has gotta know that she is messing with you.. While I was hoping for your situation work out, I have decided that she indeed sucks. I don't think you were a pussy.

Anonymous said...

I don't think you were a pussy either.

It was pretty obvious to me from the very start that FG was no good, hence the "fake-break-up with her" advice and I couldn't understand why everyone kept telling you to talk to her about your feelings. Why why why, when someone sends you mixed messages, would people advise you to put yourself out there?!

You sound far too cool and intelligent to be making such an effort to get lawyer girl's attention and you deserve more than a fake girlfriend. Maybe it's time to relaunch OFAG.

Josephine said...

Have to say, this FG does not sound like someone ready for a relationship. She sounds like a weasel, actually. If you were actually dating her, she'd probably keep behaving the same way...back and forth, hot and cold, evasive. Someone who has reached whatever age she is and can't be straightforward with you is not worth the trouble. I recommend finding someone else to spend your emotional energy on. And don't be surprised if Lawyer Girl is suddenly a lot more interested when you start dating someone else!

Anonymous Lesbian said...

Good for you, making a decision and sticking to it! Give yourself a big pat on the back for taking the necessary steps to avoid emotional chaos. I've been there with the ambivalent ones and my experience is they don't get any less ambivalent with time... things just keep getting more complicated. So yeah, good for you!

c'lam said...

so have you decided to give up with fg then?

censativemd said...

Oh no she didn't! Okay, okay, sorry to be crude but FUCK HER. Geesh, you are funny, beautiful(I bet), cook like a fiend, and she has the nerve and audacity to turn an offer to have her in your home and create kitchen magic?!!! Aw, hell naw! In the South, an offer of food goes a long way. I should know. Either she really doesn't give a rat's ass, or she has taken this playing hard to get thing WAY too far. I agree, people like this tend to behave the same or worse within a relationship. Don't give her Hand(see Seinfeld). Hell, maybe her Zoloft dose needs to be increased? Whichever it is, get to stepping sister; you deserve much much better don't you? The girl is still out there. . . waiting to be your FG(forever girlfriend).

Oh yeah, blog more; I need my fix!

LN James said...

Oh hell. Well, at least she was your fake girlfriend and you don't have to put up with her fake drama anymore. All up in your friend's business? Uh uh.

You might need to lick your wounds a little bit with a fake gay boyfriend..I've always found that they have no compunction in being way catty on your behalf and they keep the drinks flowing.

Hang in there!

Laura said...

FG sounds too sloppy for you anyway, getting all shitfaced at a picnic and whatnot. Yuck.

Honestly, if you're going to have a FG, I would rather have Uma Thurman anyway - kind of like how Tina Fey is my FG.

Out of curiosity, what were you going to cook? Ah, it's always about the food with me.

nycrouge said...

Broccoli rabe with garlic and fresh, locally raised spicy ground turkey served over fresh fettuccine.

And yes, I am done with FG.

Laura said...

Okay, now I know FG's a moron ... how could she pass that up? Now I'm starving, and I'm sitting here at the car dealership waiting for my truck with no food in sight with the exception of such gourmet options as Funyuns and Munchos.

I'm just saying, a woman who can cook can make up for many flaws.

censativemd said...

Jesus, that sounds good. Hey. . .a know a really cute fem single doctor in Tennessee when you get tired of the FCW(fake city women). OFAG re-launch!

Anonymous said...

I just had a fake break-up with a fake girlfriend too....I finally realized it was never going to happen, at least not at a level I needed it to--so good for you!!

bad apologies said...

I just like being comment #13.