Sunday, April 15, 2007

"Call me tomorrow and sweet dreams!!! Xoxoxo"

God, God, God. Why do I get myself into these retarded situations?


I've been home today, staying dry while New York and the Northeast experiences something akin to the Johnstown Flood. It's quarter to 10 pm and I realize that the only thing I have accomplished this weekend is the cleaning and organizing of my apartment while a languishing project has sat untouched. But that is not why I want to beat my head against the keyboard. No, I want to cry out in frustration over the Fake Girlfriend situation.

I know what you all are thinking. If she really wants you, she'll no longer be a fake girlfriend. How is it possible for one woman to achieve such spectacularly unsatisfactory results in dating? Is it a voodoo curse? Were you born with a facial deformity? While I can assure you I don't have a facial deformity, I'm still looking into the voodoo curse angle.

So yesterday. Well Friday night's activities ended in amazing failure (imagine being confined to a taxi speeding down the BQE at 2 am while my friend and her girlfriend decide to have it out about their relationship), Saturday held far greater fortunes. I met up with Fake Girlfriend, Wendy, and Holly in the East Village for Thai food, beer, and pool. Throughout the whole evening FG and I were flirting especially when I would lean in for my pool shots with my cleavage all hanging out. Speaking of boobies, we later ended up at the Slipper Room for a burlesque show. Upon going home . . . alone . . . FG calls to make sure I got home okay.

"God, I'm starving," she says and I can hear her banging around in the background. "I'm making some huevos rancheros."

"I want some huevos rancheros. You'll have to make them for me sometime."

"Are you with Holly?"

FYI for the newbies, Holly is an ex-girlfriend of mine.

"Uh, no," I reply. "I'm home."

"I thought that maybe you would go home with her. It seemed like you two were rekindling something."

What? I have no idea how FG got this idea. She knows that Holly is just a friend and an ex that I still hang out with. Could it be that FG is jealous? "No, no, no," I protest. "That's all in the past."

I can't remember what was said exactly next but one of us makes a comment about going home to FG's place.

"I would have invited you over," she says still plodding around her kitchen, "but I'm still stinging from getting shot down the last time."

"Hey wait. It wasn't that I didn't want to, but we were both drunk and I didn't want you to regret it in the morning."

"I wouldn't have regretted it."

We talk a little bit more, flirting, but it's getting late. We say our goodnights and I go to sleep thinking that okay, perhaps things are coming to the surface more. Even as I lay in bed, drunk, I think about calling FG back to confess that I am developing feelings for her. So in the morning I was a little confused when FG sends me a link to lesbian speed dating later in the month and asks if I want to go.

I'm tired of all these bloody mixed signals. I almost wrote her an email, but decided to write a blog entry instead. I really think I need to have that conversation with her in person.

So what do I do? She's obviously interested and jealous of Holly, but at the same time saying how she wants to try speed dating. Is she just being cautious? Thinks that I don't like her?

Bangs head on keyboard.


Laura said...

I think she's totally interested. I would guess that she suggests things like speed dating (and the "rekindling" with Holly) hoping that you'll shoot it down, confess your true feelings, then you two will run into each other's arms in slow motion while some slow Death Cab for Cutie song plays.

Wait, sorry. That was just the screenplay I had going on in my head. I say go for it and confess your feelings; at least that will clear some things up for you. If she doesn't reciprocate, hey! You've got plans to go speed dating.

nycrouge said...

So is email a cop-out or should I confess in person whilst Death Cab plays on? And if so, which DCFC song to play?

Definitely not "Your Heart Is An Empty Room".

Laura said...

For some weird reason I'm still up (12 EST), hopefully not because I haven't yet settled on a suitable DCFC song.

As far as your confession ... since you two email pretty regularly, I don't think that's a cop out. Maybe you should borrow a camcorder and do a confession a la Real World/Survivor/whatever the hot reality tv show is right now. That way it would technically be in person, and technically not. Everyone's a winner.

I just read over what I wrote and am happy to say that I am living up to my reputation as all style, no substance (a.k.a. no help whatsoever).

Anonymous said...

Mixed messages are so not a sign of sanity! I say fake-break-up with her and move on.

censativemd said...

Okay, okay, okay this is like the best blog ever. What is better than lesbianism? Lesbian dating and the angst that often accompanies it. After finding you through the Dorothy Surrenders site, I spent the weekend perusing old posts: I laughed, I cried, I identified. Although I am an single lesbian AA 30 something physician living in Tennessee, dating woes and drama seem to be universal. I'm a crazy girl magnet! For you see, I too have a fake girlfriend with whom I had a fake break-up last month and am currently attempting a fake reconciliation. I miss my fake relationship I suppose.

Anyway, Tennessee logic tells me that the speed dating and Holly question were tests. It would be rude and decidedly un-Southern-like to just come out and say: I want you to be mine, and I'm jealous. Sorry, it's a Tennessee thing. . .read btwn the lines. It's up to you to put it out there--in person, over dinner, with cleavage out...Good luck.

La said...

Invite her over for dinner. Make something amazing. Then jump her.

As least you will know where you stand.

Good Luck!

Laura said...

Okay, I've decided on DCFC's "A Movie Script Ending" - the acoustic version. Kinda indie, totally screenplay-ready for that montage that shows clips from your entire fake relationship. I smell an Oscar.

nycrouge said...

Thanks, La.

And strangely enough, censativemd, Fake Girlfriend is also from Tennessee. Your logic might hold some merit.

censativemd said...

Well, I'm just saying. . .oh, if she is from East Tennessee run for the hills; they're all crazy as hell and tend to marry their cousins. Although, I don't think that includes the gay ones though; they just make out with each other, nonetheless. . .

Anonymous said...

9 years ago this month I was falling for RC, who told me it would never happen because we were both married. (yes, to men) AND she said a woman had come on to her before and insulted her marriage vows. RC subsequently kissed me a few days later, and we've been together ever since. PLUS she gives me continual crap for not kissing her first. Go figure.
So, FG is scared and is giving you mixed messages; jump off the cliff for her. You could live happily ever after.

Dorothy Snarker said...

Wow, Rouge, your comments section has become a fantastic addendum read to your blog. Though, might I suggest this song as the one playing in the background as you make your confession (this is pre slo-mo running, everyone needs a good prelude). It’s a little bit country, but she is from Tennessee after all. (Hat tip, to Ashley for the link).

red said...

You should take the FG on a picnic, every girl I've ever met loves them. It's also a good way to talk on neutral grounds.

Or get her drunk and convince her to confess her feelings... that also works.

Laura said...

Ok, so far we seem to agree that your plan of attack should include the following:

- a Tennessee-ish song playing slo-mo in the background during the confessional
- dinner and alcohol (but I'd suggest something very light for dinner - don't want to take too much off that liquor)
- go for it/jump her/something about kissing cousins

Sooo, pretty much your run-of-the-mill lesbian date.

ronia said...

E-mail confessions always seem like a better idea before you hit the send button. Face to face confessions require more courage, but work better. I like the picnic idea. (If it rains that day - indoor picnic!)

contrary mary said...

Face-to-face - definitely.
Sober - show you mean it.
Honest - there's only so much fake a girl can do without becoming fake, y'know?
Picnic - yum.

Better out than in - in more ways than one. If it's meant to be - why hang about anymore?


Anonymous said...

This sounds bad to me; she's definitely leading you being someone who'll meet her needs without getting yours met. She wants it both ways and needs to be called on it.

Goobie Lue said...

ooooh, I think she's definitely testing you! But I don't think that means she's crazy. Plenty of sane people play hard to get. Sounds like she feels like she made the first move and got shot down...and now it's your move.

Btw, I took Dorothy Snarker's suggestion and read your entire archive over the past few days. I'm not a lesbian but 9/10 of my best friends are, so I found it very entertaining! I think you're pretty awesome and if I lived in New York I'd try to be friends with you ;)

So yeah. Tell the Lawyer what's up. Your move.


censative md said...

Gabby. . .you're gay. Sorry, had to be said. Hmmmph, 9/10 of my bestfriends indeed. Anyway,find out if she is from East Tennessee--they're crazy and inbred! Hello, Deliverence anyone?

Goobie Lue said...

censativemd, I must clear up that I am indeed not gay, but not for lack of trying. I thought I was gay, then I thought I was bi...and I will probably always feel bi, though I am now very happily married to man (and pregnant). I will always think women are hot, but that doesn't mean I belong in a relationship with one.

Sorry to burst yer bubble ;)