Tuesday, April 17, 2007

"I laughed, I cried, I identified."

I officially have a cabal of lesbian commenters. Since I can't be trusted to make the right decision in matters of my own heart, imagine if you will a roomful of gay women all with the gravitas of a high level cabinet meeting. Some are in power suits and others in uniforms reflecting timed served in Operation Find The Lesbians. Imagine this scene a la Aaron Sorkin:

"Ladies, we have a situation on our hands," I say grimly, fingers tented over my briefing papers. "The Fake Girlfriend situation needs to be resolved."

I think she's totally interested.


Jump her.

. . . a Tennessee-ish song playing slo-mo in the background during the confessional

"It's not so much as a confession as a dialogue. We need to open channels of diplomacy."

She's definitely leading you on!

Mixed messages are so not a sign of sanity! I say fake-break-up with her and move on.

Plenty of sane people play hard to get.

"Ladies, ladies. My aim here is to not get a girlfriend. My aim is to resolve an ambiguous situation before it deepens into a crisis."

After some more back and forth between the cabal and I, I formulate a plan of action. I will bring the issue to the forefront in order to get some resolution and I will do this face to face over drinks. The problem with this plan is that FG is going through some really big shit right now so I feel extremely selfish for forcing the issue now.

Perhaps I will wait a little bit.


censativemd said...

ARRGH(or however Charles Shultz used to spell it), you big PUSSY. What the hell?!!! We, the cabal, cannot stand for such wishy-washiness. Who are you? John Kerry? No, you are lesbian girlfriend seeker, and you fear no emotionally awkward and potentially self-esteem plundering moment. . .we live for this stuff. Okay, Little one, use what you have. Pretend that Massa gave you pig entrails and make chitlins. . .too Black? Too Southern? Thought so, but I digress. Okay, replace pig entrails with lemons, etc, etc.

First of all, nothing makes your problems seem a little less dire than new lesbian love and its accompanying sex. Who amongst us has not lost a couple of days entwined in the arms and nestled between the legs of a bright and shiny new lesbian girlfriend? Of course, she stole your fucking Erykah Badu and Chicago House music CDs when yall broke up but while it lasted, whew boy! Okay, the last part was just me, but you know what I mean. This is what you must do: with drink in hand and being partially metabolized in your slightly enlarged liver(sorry, in my medical opinion, you drink too much) let her know how you feel and how long that you have felt that way, but(and here is the kicker) ask for nothing in return and require no immediate answer. Go ahead, tell her that you want to take it to the next level(or some other irritating euphemism) but only when she is ready. Because you know that she has a lot on her plate right now, and you don't want to be another distraction. No demands for knowing how she feels about you and where is this thing going are allowed. Finish her off with the Precious Moments Eyes--all big, earnest, and slightly moist. Then, go back to your/her place and offer a lesbian massage: "ooh, your neck/back is tense; I could probably do this a little better with you lying down. Hey, your bra is a little in the way, can I take it off?" Bingo!

We Southern girls move slowly, and we must maintain control at all times. Jesus Take the Wheel my ass! If that doesn't work then she is from East Tennessee and her parents are related, and you don't want that, right? Fuck her. . .I'm just saying.

censativemd said...

Oh shit, that was long. I'm soooo embarrassed. Cliff Notes version: Don't be a pussy!

Laura said...

I posted a semi-lengthy answer, and I don't think it posted. The summary was this: if she's allowed to give you shit for shooting her down, then she doesn't have so much on her plate that you can't tell her how you feel.

Or something like that.

Laura said...

Oh, and I know I haven't served much time in OFTL, but I was wondering if I could get a medal (SO much more impressive than ribbons, I think) in silver or white gold - I don't look as good in yellow gold.

Anonymous said...

The part about her 'going through some shit' now is interesting, though I don't think it changes the central conundrum (her leading you on, IMHO) or task the cabal has helped you formulate (talk to her directly). I think actually having this talk would be helpful to her. Otherwise, you remain a masochist, not knowing whether you can be a real girlfriend with this woman.

Anonymous said...

God! I'm going through something similar right now. Only thing is I don't know potential gf as well or as long as you have known fake gf.

But it's all about reading the signs, and whether I am making it all up in my head! I've been here before: usually I doubt my gut feelings , and then it all transpires (later) when the dust has settled - and she's my gf - that no, I wasn't making it up. My intuition was spot on! She *was* feeling as attracted to me as I to her....

So if your gut is telling you that- despite her hot and cold behaviour and notwithstanding her "big shit" right now - tell her you're interested, and leave the ball in her court.

Okey dokey, chop chop!

c'lam said...

just ask her what's happening!

LN James said...

Another gay chiming in with Life Is Too Short So Be Direct And Just Flippin' Talk About It Already!

Somewhere out there, your Fake Girlfriend is blogging about her Fake Girlfriend (e.g., "I was going to ask her back to my place, but she brought her ex-girlfriend and you know how lesbians are with their exs" and "I thought if I brought up the speed dating thing, she'd be all like 'Why speed date when we're kinda dating, right?' and of course 'Hello, we both love Death Cab, why can't we just make out? If only she would make the first move..') and her Gay Cabal is telling her the same mixed message shit.

So I say, as a perfect stranger, it is time to step up to the plate and get this resolved clearly and definitively in person as soon as possible. Thus, when you both discover you've been waiting to find out WTF, you'll be that much closer to the making out and other perks that are associated with a Real Girlfriend.

Flippin' go for it, girl!

Anonymous said...

So three hours ago I came into my office to tidy up some work and browse my usual websites, but found yours via Dorothy's. Whew.

I can't help but believe that people who seek sane-minded, healthy, affirming relationships do not engage in fake-girlfriendship, because (being sane-minded) they would know it hurts and confuses. Have the conversation. Good luck.

- Sri.