Friday, June 27, 2008

"You look like you're going to cry."

In my relationship I assume many roles -- lover, counselor, alarm clock, care giver, organizer, pizza maker. Above all I'm a cheerleader and eternal optimist, but last weekend my optimism failed me. All it took was an apartment listing that had been forwarded to my email for me to feel the despair and frustration of my life right now. Ms. K and I want to start our lives together, but it's been one setback after another. Our plans to move have been put on hold while we wait for life to cooperate.

The apartment listing challenged my optimism and like a weapon sensing a chink in my amour with doubt flowing through the breach. Would we ever move? Would that big break ever come? I felt helpless.

"You look like you're going to cry," Ms. K said from where she laid on the bed.

Indeed I did as tears filled my eyes.

She pointed to her shoulder and motioned me towards her. "Come here."

As she held me in the bed, I felt guilty for crying. "I'm sorry," I whispered. "I don't want you to think I'm giving up."

"It's okay, honey. You're allowed to cry once and a while. I cry about this situation all the time."

"I'm sorry," I said, apologizing again. I felt like I was letting her down by not being the strong one. Since January, Ms. K has struggled to find steady work in New York. "It's just that we need something to go right."

"I'm going to be you. I'm going to be the optimist, okay? It's all going to be alright. I'm going to get a job this week and start making money so we can move. Yes? Yes."

It was nice to have our roles reversed.

4 comments:

EnnuiHerself said...

Awww, I too share the frustrations of waiting for life to cooperate.

Long distance hugs: (((Rouge)))

c'lam said...

ugh. it's rubbish when nothing seems to go right.

thenewgirl said...

You do have something right, you have each other.

BTW, I was watching Oprah today and it was about "the laws of attraction" (basically: if you build it, they will come). In this case, "if you put it on a poster board, it will come." Hope that helps.

Sabriel said...

My girlfriend and I have been together roughly the same amount of time as you and Ms K have. Finally after a long time (by lesbian standards) as long distance between the uk and germany, we're now living together. We got lucky and found a solution for us to live together, hope you guys find the same luck soon :)