The thing that has been the most difficult over the last month since meeting Ms. K is that I have felt like I haven't been able to openly talk about my feelings. Actually it's been absolute torture since I no longer have a safe space to endlessly analyze my emotions knowing that she (and her mom and God knows who else) is reading. Yes, I previously proclaimed that I would be adopting a fuck all y'all stance, but I haven't done a very good job of actually executing that sentiment.
Until now.
Here's my first salvo. Guns blazing. Fuck all y'all, mutherfuckers.
I have to admit that until very recently I didn't really know how serious this whole thing with Ms. K would be. For one thing she's 22 years old, which makes for nearly a seven year difference in age. In her defense she's a card carrying Mensa member and graduated college when she was 19, but still. When I was 22 years old I barely knew which way was up, was fresh out of college, lived in my parents' basement, and was working my first job in Washington, DC. Secondly, Ms. K has a bit of a checkered past. Out of respect for her I won't go into details, but checkered pasts are usually a harbinger of the crazy. And thirdly, she lives in Pennsylvania (mostly) even though she's looking to relocate to Brooklyn from the Upper East Side via the Keystone State. This means she is usually only in New York once a week and our dates are usually on Mondays and Tuesdays.
On the positive side of things, she's incredibly smart, writes extremely well, is a painter and a photographer, owns a library's worth of books, was as paramedic when she was a teenager, does AIDS volunteering, has a business in Pennsylvania, owns property, and can mentally spar with me, even if it means interrogating her and tricking her into revealing all her secrets.
For some reason, perhaps rightly so, I have had a hard time seeing past points one, two, and three outlined above. My main problem has been that the distance between her youthful indiscretions and the present is only four years or so. This lack of time made me worried. I internalized my fears instead of discussing them and stopped seeing the positive things about her whilst focusing on the negative. Ms. K began to notice that I was holding back and when I outlined my reservations, she said I wasn't giving her a chance. I said I had a bad track record of meeting crazy girls and deserved to be a little cautious. She said that I was unfairly comparing her to past girlfriends.
I wanted this to be a much more interesting blog entry then it's shaping up to be, but I'm tired and I'm hungover. Ms. K and I went out last night in Park Slope to talk through my issues. The resolution? She has successfully pleaded her case and plied me with many glasses of prosecco in the process. I still have a hang up about the age difference and the Pennsylvania thing, but I guess we'll see where things go!
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7 comments:
sounds like a good date last night! glad to hear the issues are on the table. & looking forward to catching up with you this weekend.
weighing laundry lists of pros and cons this early on might suggest you are overthinking the situation a wee bit. you don't have to marry ms. k, or even *girlfriend* her, just date her. decide whether she's worth your time and energy, right now. if she is, enjoy it. if not, don't feel obligated to carry on. you are the bomb, and you do whatcha want!
The quote leading off this entry - who said that? One of her friends or family members? It's harsh!
It's from a friend of hers.
The title quote, for me, typifies the age difference. Granted, I have no idea how old Ms. K’s friend is but it smacks of youthful judgment. I have found both in myself and others that as we age our judgments become less harsh. Our criticisms less absolute. And our tolerance for the nuances in life more open. When you are young (well, younger, I don’t want to pre-enroll in AARP here) despite our more limited life experience, or precisely because of it, our thinking about the world is very compartmentalized. It’s black and white. If this, then it must be that. If that, then it must be this. But as I get older I realize that everything – everyfuckingthing – is gray area. Just a thought.
Also, you are such a big lesbo what with the processing about processing. ;)
Rouge, dear, OFAG was nothing short of an inspiration. For those of us in the latter part of our twenties (and beyond) it is all too tempting to trust that our perfect mate will miraculously appear out of thin air. Rarely is a person so pro-active, conscious, and good humored about bringing a healthy partner into their life. Go you. I agree with Ms. Snarker concerning the development of your paramour's friend. You might suggest that she purchase a soutien-gorge de formation before making such pronouncements, honestly. I also agree with Maire concerning the girl. Never for a second forget that the ball is in your court.
Don't ignore the harbingers. That doesn't mean they have to outweigh everything else, but it's a good idea to listen to your Spidey Sense.
All this being said, I totally like the "fuck y'all" version of you better anyway.
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