"I want you to be in my book"

I was surprised how down I felt yesterday. It wasn't so much what happened between Emma and I, but the frustration it stirred, especially in light Fake Girlfriend and other people with their fucking mixed signals. After venting to a couple of friends (and oh, um, a whole mess of you via this blog) I felt better and all systems had returned to normal by the evening as my roommate and I shared a homemade batch of margaritas.

It was quarter past nine in the evening when my cell phone rang, the caller ID flashing Emma's name. I hesitated answering, but figured for some reason it was probably a good idea to pick up. After exchanging chitchat and other pleasantries, we got into the real reason she was calling.

"I felt like things ended on a bad note yesterday," she said. "You seemed sullen and distant."

My stomach clenched a little from nerves, yet at the same time I was impressed that she had the bravery to call. I made some excuses, the kind of excuses I would have normally made to anyone else if I wanted to glaze over my true emotions, but then I struck upon a novel idea.

"Can I just be totally honest?" I asked.

"Yes. Please."

"Look, the reason I was distant or, uh, sullen, was because what you said when we were passing notes made me think that we were just friends and I was just thrown for a loop because I thought I was interpreting the signals pretty well. The situation reminded me of the bullshit I was dealing with Laura--"

"I can't believe you're comparing me to Laura!" she protested.

"No, I'm not comparing you to Laura, I'm comparing the situation to Laura. Big difference."

"What I was trying to say yesterday that I think got lost in the translation is that the reason I didn't accept your offer to go home with you was that I think that relationships that start with sex end poorly. When I didn't go home with you, I was paying you the highest complement. I like you enough to not fuck it up."

When I get nervous, verbal diarrhea sets in. Struggling to reign in my babbling, I tried my best to explain myself.

"Everyone's life is a book," she continued. "Some characters we have no choice over, like our parents and our coworkers. But it's our friends that we get to choose to be in our book. I want you to be in my book."

I didn't know what to say, though I thought of what she said on Friday, which was the confession that she thought I was "special." I think I felt a little embarrassed -- at least in a shy way. Here was someone telling me that they were making a conscious decision to be my friend and auditioning for a part in my book. I was flattered. I was speechless. I babbled more to fill in the silence.

To wrap up a long story and a long conversation (we ended up talking over an hour), we decided to get to know each other as friends and keep the process organic. She though that I forced the issue too soon when I asked whether or not she liked me. While I countered with that I felt pretty proud of myself for demanding some sort of definition on our friendship because I had been in way too many murky situations that I didn't have the balls to get the details on.

I guess this means that Emma isn't a bad guy after all. It's so refreshing to meet someone I feel I can be a 100% honest with, even if we are just friends with potential. So there you go.