Monday, May 21, 2007

"I feel lost when I don't hear from you."

Apparently (former) Fake Girlfriend is my new BFF. We talk every day and hang out on the weekend, which explains why perhaps I was a bit confused about whether we were fake dating or not. No, she just really likes me . . . as a friend. Guess we'll forget about that time we kissed. Strange, yes.

Now that (F) FG is my new BFF I can merrily move along with my OFAG plans (Warning! Acronym levels almost full!). First things first -- give Fake Girlfriend a new name. Um, let's call her Laura. Yes. Secondly, I need a plan. A plan! Obviously I can't think the women to me. I have to go out there and find them.

Laura and I, as BFFs do, grabbed a drink in Park Slope before heading to what passes in Brooklyn for a mall. Lamenting our love lives, she said, "I just haven't met anybody I want to date right now." Well, there you go, our relationship defined. Underlined and in bold. Don't worry, I don't mind. I'm trying this new resolution where I stop getting myself involved in nebulous situations.

Nodding my head, I told Laura about Operation Find the Lesbians and my efforts throughout 2006. She was very intrigued and wanted to embark on her own OFTL. "June is going to be our month!" she said.

I then mentioned that I always envisioned OFTL as a book, a sort of mock dating guide intertwined with notes from the field, but that my plan to write it had sort of fallen by the wayside as dating apathy took over.

"You have to write this!"

Okay, BFF. Settle down. I'll get to it. OFTL and OFAG are only as good as the effort I put into them. Five first dates in one month? That took effort. My effort of late has been sadly lacking.

So here's a number of things I can do this Summer to get the ball rolling:

* Look hot (which involves trying to get rid of my burgeoning paunch and actually fucking exercising). Laura said she'll help my bike become roadworthy again.

* Go to one of Out Dancing's open houses at Stepping Out Studios and partner up with the lesbians. Who doesn't love a lady who can move her hips?

* Online dating? A viable option that makes my stomach clench in an unpleasant way, but does make for good comedy. And blog entries.

* Write a Craigslist ad v. 2.0. Because it worked soooo well the first time.

* Borrow my friend's cute puppies as girl bait and walk them around Prospect Park and Park Slope. The women will flock to me.

* Pour more effort into Lesbian Club and meet new women.

* Wander around Brooklyn (or hell, Manhattan works too) with a sandwich board that reads: ATTENTION SINGLE LESBIANS! ASK ME HOW YOU CAN DATE ME! This option can also double for exercise.

So if you see a forlorn woman walking about Park Slope and you are gay . . . and single . . . and for chrissakes SANE . . . please tip your hat my way. Hope you like brunettes! I'll even salsa dance for you.


Anonymous Lesbian said...

I am using ALL these tips. And adding one of my own: Today my Ex accused my of not making an effort in trying to meet women and I asked "What do you want me to do? Wear a t-shirt that says 'PLEASE VISIT MY PUSSY'?" Which she thought was an excellent idea. I think it would only lead to me getting groped... by men. So, ya know, don't do it. But it's a tip none the less. For desperate times, if the sandwhich board thing doesn't work.

(Speaking of which: The sandwhich board thing - some people might find it exaggerated. Not me, not right now. Give me another month of sexless existense and I'll even do it sober.)

Dorothy Snarker said...

Oooh, write a Craigslist ad and just post it here (since that will probably have the same failure to success ratio) . I loved your last ad. I especially liked you carrot and stick warning at the end: Your photo and well crafted email gets you my photo and well crafted response. Well crafted, that’s the kicker.

Calixthe said...

You know what they said : you don't find when you are starving. Change focus: why don't you pretend you are someone girlfriend and act you are not alone. You've got one month, till the gay pride, to practice and fake the Perfect Someone Girlfriend (PSG, oups, it's the Parisian soccer team, sorry). Sure you will attract girls at your side.

bad apologies said...

Hmmmm... Would this book resemble Animal Husbandry, because that was heartrenching. You can only write books with a happy ending--and hopefully a happy middle too.

Second, I think your blog needs more imagery. Not that you aren't a fabulous writer, but you're in NYC and I *miss* NYC so I think you need to share more pics. Here's a favorite to get you started (sorry I can't html code correctly):