Tuesday, May 29, 2007

"Turn right. Right! NO YOUR OTHER FUCKING RIGHT!"



Hello, my lovelies. Did you miss me? Where have I been? Floating in a swimming pool in Staten Island surrounded by scantily clad lesbians and at one point a bunch of plain clothes cops with guns and badges. HOT! I have the pictures to prove it.

For the sake of my international readers, this past weekend was a huge holiday weekend in America and the unofficial start of summer. Not only did I spend two days in the borough of Staten Island, but I also ended up at a mall in New Jersey for some shopping. My more astute readers will see a joke in there somewhere.

The unfortunate reality of spending two days in a pool is that I also had to break out the bathing suit that was buried deep in one of my drawers. In fact I own 2.5 bathing suits and hurriedly tried them on before packing to meet my caravan. I was left with one realization.

Oh. Holy. Jesus. I'm in trouble.

Nothing is worse than the painful knowledge that your summer clothes, nay, your bathing suit, doesn't fit anymore. As I surveyed the wide expanse of my thighs in horror and a very unsexy ripple of belly fat via full length mirror, I contemplated three options. (1) Commit ritual suicide, (2) wear the other unflattering bathing suit that at least fits, or (3) quickly fashion a burqa made of shower curtain lining or an old bed sheet.

I went with Option 2.*

Bathing suit crisis aside, I had a good holiday. And as I laid in the pool, drifting on a piece of aqua colored foam hoping that no one would notice the size of my thighs, I realized that I couldn't remember the last time I had a proper holiday over Memorial Day weekend. Last year I was at a wedding and the year before that I was apparently getting propositioned by a lot of men.

Hmmpf. I do detect a whiff of progress. Now I need to work on my Ass Crisis.

* The irony to all this is that we ended up skinny dipping on Saturday night. I discovered the heretofore unknown fact that my boobs float.

3 comments:

Dorothy Snarker said...

Wow, I have no idea whether my boobs float. Hell, I haven’t been in a pool in ages. And I live in California, where everyone has a damn pool. I consider it a political statement. Ahem. I do, however, enjoy laying about near a pool and drinking cocktails. If they happen to come with little umbrellas, even better.

Lou said...

In Britain, on the other hand, where we've also just had a public holiday (Spring Bank Holiday http://www.themorrisring.org/Trad/Whit.htm - as you'll see from the link, damn but we know how to enjoy ourselves...), the only pools we've been in are of the created-by-the-torrential-rain variety. Ain't summer great..

Sally said...

I haven't been in a pool in the longest time. But in the bathtub I discover that my boobs float too... Besides, my whole body floats! It was very hard to keep down swimming when I used to do it!
And I lived in Staten Island for 14 years, so I KNOW what you mean! LOL! I worked in the City, but slept in S.I.