"What do you want?"

What do you want?

It was a question my therapist asked a few weeks ago and it has been quietly gestating in my head since then. What direction do I want to go in? Where do I want to drive the proverbial car? It wasn't something I could answer at the time, but I have taken a hard look at where I am and the tenuous foundation that I stand upon while turning my gaze towards the future.

What do you want?

For the first time in a very long time I feel myself again. I feel that I can relax after being in constant triage mode. My relationship is also settling down as Ms. K is in Brooklyn more and has a bartending job in Park Slope, although things are unnervingly slow right now. I helped her come up with a house cocktail and happy hour menu to start drawing a bar crowd (Hey New Yorkers! Free appetizers during happy hour! Vegetarian stuff too!). But the point is -- knock on wood -- that I have less to worry about. Now she just needs her own apartment so she can bring her dog to Brooklyn and stop living out of a suitcase.

So now what? Here's my wish list.

* I want to live in Brooklyn for a very long time. I am completely in love with the borough. I want to live in an old house in Ditmas Park with a back yard. I want patio furniture and a grill. I want a garden.

* I want to start correcting my past financial mistakes whether through increased freelance income, increased savings, and sticking to a budget. I want to rebuild my credit score. I want the disposable income and the freedom that comes with it while making smart choices about how to spend it.

* I want to travel. I want to go see Beth in Stockholm and visit my old friends in England. I want to visit Amsterdam again and stay longer than 1.5 days. I want to go somewhere with a beach. I want to float in the water and close my eyes and relax.

* I want to have a job that challenges me again. I want to somehow bring writing into my 9-5 work. I want to write a book. I want to partner up with the astrologer I freelance for and write columns with her in addition to the column she already writes for a major fashion magazine.

* And most importantly, I want Ms. K. I want us to start building a life together. I want us to have a house with a backyard and patio in Ditmas Park where we can relax and watch the sun go down while enjoying a cocktail and each other's company.

Yeah, that would be nice, right? I don't know how long it's going to take to get my wish list (months? years?), but I promise you that I will be putting in the hard work to make it happen.