Sunday, June 11, 2006

"The woman I slept with is behind you. I need to go deal with that awkwardness now."

The quote above comes from C, one of my lesbian club members who the week previous went back to the hotel room of a very cute English tourist. My encouragement of those shenanigans reminded me of recent conversations about casual sex and friends with benefits type relationships. Now C had to deal with one of the more awkward outcomes of casual sex -- you might run into that tourist from England again.

This weekend was Brooklyn Pride and the ensuing party at Cattyshack on Saturday promised that every Lesbian in a 10 mile radius would be packing the two floors of the bar. And indeed by 10 pm it was difficult to navigate the crowd swarming around the bartenders. Pride week (month?) in New York City strikes me as the high holy days of the gay social calendar. And much like church, some of the women last night were like twice a year Catholics -- they only come out for the big holidays.

In a sort of meandering way, this brings me to my point: I'm crazy. I've been feeling sort of brushed off by Val over the last week and thusly have been a bit mopey. Sure, Val has a lot of personal shit going on that she has to deal with, but the 2 year old in me wants attention. Now I'm crazy because when things first started off with Val, I could feel myself slipping into a relationship that had a high probability of becoming serious . . . and part of me ironically was resisting falling into something that I've been trying to achieve hardcore since the start of this year. Part of me still wanted to date around. And when I talked about this with J-Wo and Mr. Bad Apologies when I was in DC two weeks ago, I was told that I was "such a guy." Two weeks later my feelings for Val have solidified more and suddenly I was more accommodating of the idea of a serious relationship with Val.

See, I'm crazy. Or maybe just conflicted. Or just a stupid girl.

So Val met up with me and AD at Cattyshack last night. (AD is the other girl who likes Val. Not to be confused with AC. Everyone got it?) Apart from briefly at a picnic earlier that day, this is the first time that I've spent time with Val since the previous weekend. And because AD doesn't know that Val and I are seeing each other, Val and I don't get to talk until AD heads for the bathroom.

"Sorry I haven't been around." Val's words come in a torrent as if she's trying to say everything she needs to say in the time it takes AD to come back from the bathroom. "I just get the idea that you want something serious right now and I've got a lot going on with school and with family."

I think I manage to mumble something over the thump thump of the music.

"I like you and I like having sex with you, but I don't know if I can do anything serious right now."

I mull these words over and try to save face. "Have I given you the impression that I want this to be something super serious?"

"Well . . . ."

"Because I just want a normal relationship," I add.

"What's a 'normal relationship?'"

Christ on a fucking bike. Apparently nothing I ever seem to get involved with. "Do you want to date around?" I ask.

"I don't want to date around. I like you, but I can't do anything serious right now."

Now after this little exchange I can't decide if I'm getting the brush off or if Val is just trying to define our relationship -- the much anticipated RDT that happened in the time it took AD to go and come back from the bathroom.

Why do I feel like I'm getting the brush off? Why after thinking I didn't want a serious relationship with Val I suddenly want something more than casual sex? And why do people only want something when it's taken away?


H said...

You know, my experience with situations like that always ended up in a similar fashion. I think the whole idea of "Dating Around" is easier said than done. At least for me it was - and it looks like that may be happening to you as well.

I don't know, certain people possess the abilities to just date around and not get too attached. Maybe you're starting to realize that you don't have those abilities?

Or maybe the problem is that you just see Val too much because she's so involved in the same activities (brooklyn lesbian club) you are. Would it be easier to be less attached if you didn't see her all the time during your other social activities?

I'm certainly not an expert on this, just offering up some ideas.

nycrouge said...

The last time Val and I spent quality time together (ie, outside of the group) was Sunday a week ago. But since then the brief time's I've seen her I can tell something is off and she's distant with me. Maybe I'm overreacting, but my thought is that she probably has too much going on to be in any relationship. Perhaps I should just have the "maybe we should just be friends conversation."

I agree with what you said about "dating around." I don't think I can do it either as I do get attached to people -- like I've become attached to Val. I asked her if she wanted to date around to gauge what she wanted.

Anyway, I'm feeling kind of blown off right now and part of me feels like the whole Val thing is more trouble than it's worth.