Monday, February 02, 2009

". . . having these thoughts is a very natural thing."

It's peculiar how it takes a while for the mind to fully process a trauma. Even though it's been two weeks since the crash, the shock is only now wearing off. Last week I wanted to find a womb like cocoon to crawl up into. On Friday I felt a deep sadness. On Saturday a sudden acute anxiety, like I had left my wallet on the subway or something. Not quite K├╝bler-Ross's stages of grief, I know. I suspect anger and acceptance are next?

I hadn't felt a lot in the wake of the crash apart from a need to stay calm. Ms. K was in shock and bleeding and I felt like I had to keep it together for her sake. Although there was a moment right after the crash when I almost began sobbing. Ms. K was in the ambulance and I was all alone by the car. Harley, so freaked out and not knowing what to do, had climbed onto the glass covered front seat and refused to move. Before me was an orchestrated chaos of police officers, EMTs, emergency flares, and flashing lights. Everyone had a role to play, but like Harley I didn't know what my role was. Victim? Survivor? I stood there and watched and suppressed my tears. I just wanted someone to hold me and tell me what to do.

Last night Ms. K found her anger. Something about the way the air smelled when she went to take Harley out for a walk triggered memories from the crash.

"You know I didn't do anything wrong," she said in agitation after she came back in from the walk, "and I'm going to get screwed on this."

Of course you didn't do anything wrong. If anything your quick thinking prevented us from getting killed.

"I know, right? It's not like it's that SUVs fault, but he didn't have to swerve into our lane like that."

No.

She took a long drag off a cigarette she had just rolled. "It just pisses me off that I didn't do anything wrong and I'm going to end up probably owing on the car."

What do you want to do? Sue for the balance if necessary?

She shrugged her arms and took another drag. "I mean, I have the right to be angry about this?"

Yes you do. Your anger is not unreasonable.

As for me I don't know what to feel. I think my brain is still trying to process it all.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

I hope she carried a comprehensive policy.

Anonymous said...

I know I am a total stranger to you but I am glad you both (and the dog) are alright. That is a blessing. I think Obama is going to invent a money tree soon and then you will be livin' large too. :)