"She told me to pack my stuff and leave."

So I didn't watch the L Word season 4 premier last night. I know. I just didn't feel like dragging my lazy ass in the rain to either Cattyshack or some other lesbo-centric locale for a free, if not crowded, peek at the show. The L Word premier is the second gayest gay holiday after Pride. Why the apathy? Well for one, I can cogh*illegally*cough download it at my leisure (or legitimately here). Two, I live my own L Word.

If Ilene Chaiken is looking to franchise out the series, I've already got a couple of story ideas for L Word: 11215. Picture it -- Park Slope, Saturday night, a birthday party. Sixteen people cram into Nina's fourth floor apartment to celebrate Wendy's birthday, some of whom have spilled onto the roof to smoke and enjoy the views of Manhattan. The tequila is flowing freely amongst the lesbians. I made a decadent chocolate cake for the occasion. A token straight guy, a friend of Nina's friend and clueless to the gay quotient in the room, drunkenly hits on a series of women, all of whom respond with, "I'm a lesbian . . ."

A fight is slowly brewing, but not with the straight guy. Seems that Chris, the girlfriend of Nina, caught her seemingly a little too close to a cute blonde woman -- some friend of a friend. After some low level discord, Nina and Chris's bickering blooms into a full scene while most of the guests sit in the upstairs bedroom drinking and talking.

"Nina told me to get my stuff and leave," Chris says, appearing at the top of the spiral stairs to retrieve her duffel bag from the bedroom.

"Huh? What happened?" a bunch of us ask at the same time.

Chris tries to explain, but it doesn't make much sense, which could be attributed to the drinking. It's getting late and when Chris leaves the party, it brings the revelry down quite a bit. Those remaining clamor downstairs to find out what happened, although Nina's version of the story differs, including a teary, "I didn't tell her to
leave . . ."

Kerry and I go downstairs to try and find her. Meanwhile birthday girl Wendy, sensing that it's perhaps the best time to exit, leaves with her girlfriend. We find Chris down on the street not too far away with her duffel bag. After trying to get the story on what happened and figuring out what to do next, Kerry offers to take Chris back with her to her place, while I go back upstairs.

Nina is still distressed, Chris is outside with her stuff, and Holly asks what she can do. None of us want to leave Nina alone when she's so upset, so we settle in for some emotional bolstering. Just as we do so, Kerry comes back in with Chris and says to Holly and I, "I think we should leave."

As we walk out the door, we let Nina and Chris know that we'll be at the bar downstairs. This is perhaps a little unwise because it's already 1:30 am or so. After an hour, Chris finds us at the bar.

"So what happened," I ask.

"Nothing happened. We didn't talk." Chris seems bitter and I remember every last fight that I ever had with a girlfriend in the space of a moment.

I like Chris, I really do. But some of us have been a little weary since her and Nina started dating a few months ago, especially since Chris initially lied (kept secret, whatever) about having three young kids and a soon-to-be ex-husband back in Pennsylvania where she lives. We've also been weary since every time Chris comes into town (which is surprisingly often seeing how her children are all under the age of six), she and Nina disappear into the Relationship Vortex.™

"I'm ready to sacrifice so much for that woman," Chris says after a long conversation about her relationship with Nina. "I'm willing to sacrifice my children to be with her!"

"What?? Never sacrifice your children for a relationship!"

"Nina said I have to give up custody of my children to my ex-husband if we're going to be together.

I'm not sure what to believe anymore. I'm trying to be a fair yet supportive person. It's late and the bartender is yelling last call. I'm drunk and I just want to go home and sleep blessedly alone. I soon thereafter say goodbye to Chris and head back to my side of the park while she finishes her cigarette before climbing the four flights of stairs where Nina is sleeping.

Tune in next week for more real life lesbian drama!

Showtime would make millions. And it's all true. Or at least it's less tedious than Jenny from the L Word. Oy vey, the show can be horrible at times . . . which is probably why I didn't rush off to watch it last night.