"I don't know how the penis works!"

Goddamnit. Operation Find The Lesbians has to take a break because I've got to focus on Operation Kick This Motherfucking Cold. Silly me for bragging all winter that I haven't been sick once this season. Little did I know that the English Death Plague was lurking like a microbial menace, waiting to pounce on my unsuspecting Yankee immune system. Looking back at my calendar, I first got sick on March 26th -- less than a week after returning to the States. Today is April 10th. 15 days later and I want to fucking kill myself from the sinus pain.

OFTL also took a little detour this weekend -- a 250 mile detour to DC and to Ms. Wish To See's bachelorette party. And what did I do at this party? Hung inflatable penis like balloons from Beth's wall, drank a gin and tonic from a penis straw, straddled a cucumber with a tip covered in whipped cream and a cherry, had someone suck off the whipped cream, made out with Mr. Bad Apologies (it's okay 'cause he's A Gay and a very good kisser), and kissed Ms. Write Again Soon. The later activity was my little gift to her because making out with a girl is on her list of 50 things to do before she dies and I couldn't facilitate this when she was up visiting me in Brooklyn last month. Let's hope she doesn't get my English Death Plague. Ooops!

We now return to our regularly scheduled gay programming.