"I know it's a butt, but whose butt is it?"

Ms. K has this thing where she really wants to take dirty photos of me. I'm not a fan of this idea because there seems to be a universal rule where naked pictures of yourself end up on the internet -- or at least viewed by a third party. It just happens; there's nothing you can do about it. That said, I allowed Ms. K to take a picture with her cellphone camera of my spectacularly naked badonkadonk -- a picture that she gleefully turned into her cellphone wallpaper.

Yes people, my white ass is my girlfriend's cellphone wallpaper.

But Rouge, you interject. What about that universal rule? Why would you tempt fate? Well I figured it was something to keep Ms. K company during those long and lonely Pennsylvanian nights when she's away from me. She's a big fan of my bandonkadonk, you know.

But . . .

Okay, you're right. I should have known better than to tempt fate. And I shouldn't have been surprised when Ms. K said this to me:

"So my mom saw your butt."

"How did she see my butt??"

"She just picked up my cellphone without asking and when she opened it and saw my wallpaper she did this thing were she looked at me over the top of her glasses and asked, 'What is this?'"

"'It's a butt,' I said. 'I know it's a butt, but whose butt is it?' she asked. Then I told her it was your butt."

I sighed a deep a long sigh that underscored the level of embarrassment I was feeling. "I told you not to show anyone!"

"I didn't show her! She showed herself!"

Ugh. My girlfriend's mom has now seen my white ass. What could be worse?

"She asked why there were holes in your butt," Ms. K continued.

(BTW, In case I die without identification, rest assured that my dead body can be identified by the moles on both of my pale pale ass cheeks.)

"Those are freckles!"

"That's what I told her! Then she took the cellphone and showed it to Keith" -- her boyfriend -- "and asked, 'Do you want a picture of my butt on your cellphone?'"

"Wait. Keith has seen my ass too?"

"Yeah."

I gave her another deep sigh.

"But you should feel flattered," Ms. K said. "My mom is going to take a picture of Keith's butt and put it on her cellphone. You've started a trend."

There you go, people. The lesson is to never tempt fate.