"Hammer down."

Poor New York City. Always getting beat up in the movies and in real life. What's with the recent obsession of tearing the city down in CGI? I haven't seen I Am Legend, but boy oh boy did I have the great misfortune of seeing Cloverfield last night.

For those who have never heard of Cloverfield, the premise is simple: monster attacks Manhattan, hipsters catch it on film. It could have been called Blair Witch Monster Project. Honestly I had no desire to see it -- the previews alone were unnerving enough. When my roommate Libby asked me to go with her, I told her that I didn't want to pay to relive the emotions of 9/11.

Then she called me a pussy.

Okay, fine. I'll see Cloverfield. See how easy it is to get me to do something? But I had my reservations. When the movie started I jabbed a finger accusingly at her and said, "If I get scared, you're so in trouble."

Right. Who knew the movie was . . . hilarious . . . . Hilarious in that sort of cynical way that New Yorkers have long perfected. People in the theater laughed at moments meant to be poignant and I think there came a point when the audience just wanted the monster to eat everyone so it would end faster. Oof.

A list of gripes:

* There was something vaguely Californian about the movie -- as if it was a Los Angelean fantasy of what New York should be, especially during its darkest moment.

* That bogus looking Spring Street subway station.

* That bogus looking Spring Street subway station where apparently you can get a cell phone signal.

* I felt no emotional connection to any of the characters except maybe the stupid fucker holding the video camera the whole time.

* Speaking of which, what sort of stupid fucker holds a video camera during a time when any other sane person would have dropped it and ran?

* From a loft party in the Lower East Side to an apartment in the Time Warner building high above Columbus Circle, the characters came off as elitist trust funders with very poor survival skills.

* What sort of stupid bitch wears gold lamé heels during a time of disaster? Yeah you were at a party when all hell broke loose, but while your buddy was looting an electronics store on Broadway for a cell phone battery, your stupid ass could have been busting open a Duane Reade for a pair of flip flops. But no, you decide to walk 70 blocks over subway tracks in those heels.

Manohla Dargis said it best with, "Rarely have I rooted for a monster with such enthusiasm." But my friend N had a better summary. "Here's my three word review. Fuck this movie!"