Thursday, November 29, 2007

"You can do better."

"You need to update your blog," Ms. K said over dinner in Ditmas Park a couple days ago.

"But I did today!"

She whipped out her iPhone and connected to Post No Bills, the image of which was fractured by the many tiny slivers in her screen (nb: iPhones crack when you drop them). After a quick skim of the page she declared that I could to do better.

"But it was my birthday," I sputtered, "and then it was Thanksgiving! There wasn't any time to update my blog with all the turkey eating."

She looked incredulous.

Perhaps the lady doth protest too much after all. I really could have done better but I have been unmotivated and caught in a post-holiday depression. The recent theme of decadence has given way to austerity as I take a look at my sad finances and figure out how I am going to pay my bills. I already canceled the cable and figured out how to make a week's worth of meals consist of Thanksgiving leftovers. Then I realized that I couldn't do without my cell phone or my internet, so that stays. I contacted some of my freelance clients, but stuff like that takes time to develop much less get paid. I even considered bartending, but I only have experience drinking the drinks, not pouring them for money.

So here are some scenarios where all my financial problems are solved:

* I am contacted by a heretofore unknown rich relative who wants to fund my moderately extravagant lifestyle.

* I am hired by numerous people who recognize my brilliance and want to financially compensate me for it, whether it be design, feng shui or astrology consulting, writing, or programming.

* I whore out my Gold Star for a lucrative sum. I could take applications from rich Saudi men.

* I sell a kidney.

* I win the lottery.

Incidentally my mom wrote me to ask what I wanted for Christmas. While I can't let her know that I am facing destitution and a bleak future that would have given Charles Dickens pause, I did ask for champagne glasses, clothes, and a rug for my bedroom. What I really need is, in addition to cash, a box to store my sex toys in. But that's another thing I can't share with mom.


EnnuiHerself said...

Um, is "Gold Star" the name of your lady bits? Did I miss an update somewhere?

nycrouge said...

Gold Star definition:

birdonthewirenyc said...

i'm glad i'm not the only slacker that can't seem to update her blog during the holidays. maybe if we got paid to update, the motivation would be higher!