"I don't understand why you don't want to be friends with me?"

Five reasons why I don't want to be friends with you:

5. You're weird and socially maladjusted.

4. You represent a dark point in my life. Like I need reminding.

3. It was really presumptuous and odd when you suddenly assumed that we were going to be buddy-buddy after four years of not speaking. What was this about you visiting me? I wanted to vomit.

2. It was even creepier when you emailed me six times within the span of two weeks.

1. You cheeted on me. Whatever. It was so long ago. But for christ's sake, I don't want to be fucking friends with you so stop fucking emailing me.