Friday, September 21, 2007

"Am I an awful person?"

I have a secret. Or maybe it's a confession, a confession that feels like a betrayal of my two X chromosomes, a bazillion years of genetic selection, and a good amount of cultural programming. If I was feeling particularly crafty, I'd confess it a la PostSecret. But instead this blog will do.

I feel righteously smug when I see a woman gush about her kids and husband. I want to mock her for being a stupid breeder.

Am I an awful person? Am I wrong that there's a part of me deep down inside that feels smarter and more superior for having escaped the trap of heteronormality? That I am repulsed -- repulsed! -- when a woman says that the most important thing she has done in life was have kids. Or maybe just thankful that I wasn't born fifty or even a hundred years previous where I would have had to accept the only role that society allowed for me?

It's true. I'm not the most maternal person. When I was a teenager, no one really asked me to babysit, and when I was growing up I never had any burning desire to get married and have children -- and I always felt a little broken for not wanting to do so.

Maybe that's my real secret?


Sally said...

The good news is that you are not alone with those feelings, and that doesn't make you an awful person! But since I have and had the same feelings all my life, I've come to terms with them, and most of the time I don't talk about them... simply because even my closest lesbian friends probably would look at me like I'm a freak!
I'm glad I'm not the only one... at least you are way braver than me! LOL!

Ms. Avarice said...

not an awful person! i don't really like kids either. never babysat. i might have one or two of my own but that is yeeaars down the road. that way i can raise them my way.

you're fine!

Bill said...

Seems to me that it would be more of a problem if you felt righteously smug when you heard a woman complain about her kids and husband. It would certainly be more of a problem if you took that opportunity to mock her as a stupid breeder.

EnnuiHerself said...

I (probably) want to have kids one day and one of my greatest fears is turning into one of those women. You know, the women who define themselves by their kids. As if it were reproducing were greatest.accomplishment.ever.

I give you permission to slap me silly if I ever demonstrate signs of becoming of of them.

Anonymous said...

I don't think you're smug. I think it's rude of others when they do this, especially given that we live under a system defined by hetero supremacy, which gives some -- not all -- people the privilege (though they never see it as such) to talk about their husbands/wives, weddings, kids, etc. (while knowing that others don't have that right/can't express it as freely as they do). I'm not saying necessarily that people shouldn't talk about their intimate relations with others; it's just that, when they do this with no knowledge or care that others might be offended/might not share in their joy (e.g., because they're excluded from sharing those rights, etc.), that I realize once again that I'm not fully valued in this society.

Eric said...

Great blog! I added you to my blogroll. I'd appreciate it if you'd consider linking back.

Most blogs allow you to enter your blog url in a special field in the comment section. If the blog doesn't have that feature, then you will also need to put my url in the comment.

Anonymous said...

I thought it was only me!!

bad apologies said...

I kind of thought you avoided the trap of heteronormality because of all the carpet munching that you do, which is not a good selling point to most prospective husbands (prospective hookups is another story).

You are sooooo gonna be that woman about your life partner some day. SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO going to. :)

Design Dyke said...

not at all! trust me, all the cool people feel this way. xxDD